– Life or so it seems

•May 3, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I feel like I’m losing myself and everything I love. Ever since this year started, it just feels like one downward spiral after another. So many things on my mind and no one to turn to. I just don’t feel comfortable speaking to people openly about my feelings. If I could escape and be somewhere free with no one I know, new faces and places, I’d be happy. There is nothing worse than feeling lonely in a room full of people you know.

I’ve been more depressed than anything else. No matter what I do I haven’t been able to shake this feeling for such a long time that I can’t even remember the last time I was actually, genuinely happy. Yeah laughs and smiles have been shared but in the end its all just to put on a brave face and act like everything is okay. Maybe there is something wrong with me, like a screw loose in my brain that needs fixing.

I’ll put on a brave face when a new day comes and everything will seem as it should. No one needs to know how I’m really feeling. I suppose writing this is just my way of maybe dealing with it. Who knows. I’m just tired for the most part, of everything in general. Crying seems like such a common occurrence these days that it almost seems surprising when it doesn’t happen. I guess I just need time alone to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.

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– I Reminisce, I Reminisce…

•April 30, 2010 • 1 Comment

Your body movement so hypnotizing, got me visualizing… all the things I could do to you. From your head down to your toes, touching every spot to make the juices flow. You got me hooked. Damn, you got me hooked.

Not just the physical, bringing that mental stimulation, education with that urban tone. Your intellect is what I find most arousing, and again you got my fantasizing… over you. Mind fucking me in that good way. Nothing else more for me to say but, damn. You got me hooked… Damn

– Spring Summer Feeling : Day Dreaming

•April 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I felt the gentle breeze whisper softly in my ear and caress my neck as I sat there, eyes closed taking in the warm sun on my face. Such a beautiful spring day. I just had to take a moment out of life’s busy schedule to appreciate the simple things in life.

I didn’t notice you stood beside me, watching me in silence. Wondering whether or not you should disturb me, say my name or just continue to take in the moment. You hadn’t seen me for so long, you almost thought about leaving without saying a word. Nervous and hesitant of how I may respond. You waited a while and just watched me, almost as if I were a figment of your imagination, unreal. As a few more moments went past you finally got the courage to approach me. Still sat there, eyes closed – you slowly ran your hands around my waist and embraced me. I was afraid at first but your soft voice calmed me instantly (I knew it was you).  You began to kiss the side of my neck and I let out a slight moan for it being so unexpected. It felt nice though. You always knew what effect that gesture had on me. I wrapped my arms around yours and we just continued to sit there together in silence. You didn’t have to say anything and neither did I. Just being together in each others embrace was enough and everything we had missed so much was finally back again like it was never lost.

I tend to daydream a lot about you in times where I am alone. So it was a nice thought even if it really didn’t happen. I guess that’s just my subconscious telling me that I miss you. I think it’s just the whole feeling of togetherness and sharing moments with someone else that I miss the most.

Fragments : Discontent

•August 24, 2009 • 6 Comments

Random moment of weakness, spiraling into what seems an infinite abyss of incompleteness… Always half empty, never half full. Sacrifice of ones happiness for the fulfillment of others. They say never give up right? Especially when its the one thing in the world you are certain of. However, why go on when you know in the end its a fight you never win. Exhausting.

You always did say you would want that person to keep fighting and never give up. I never forgot. I never gave up either, you gave up on me. In the end I just let go I suppose. I remember the little things that most people discard. It isn’t suppose to hurt anymore but it does. I just don’t understand why?

“Birds flying high, You know how I feel. Sun in the sky, You know how I feel. Breeze driftin’ on by, You know how I feel. It’s a new dawn… It’s a new day… It’s a new life… For me, And I’m feeling good”

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Lost In The Moment : Drained

•May 17, 2009 • 3 Comments

I sit here at my window staring into the midnight sky, it is dead tonight. The only light brightening up the sky is the untamed glow of every street lamp, often flickering on and off and marking each territory in which human nature dominated the earth.

“I start to think and then I sink into the paper like I was ink, When I’m writing I’m trapped in between the lines. I escape when I finish the rhyme.”

I look down out my window and can barely see the figures of late night commuters in the distance at Westbourne Park Station. Hard to see through the scaffold and left over window parts, still loitering from jobs previously done in the past week. I see a well dressed business woman on her way home, in her nice black pinstripe ensemble and briefcase in hand. She seems like the kind of person that would probably make a male feel quite intimidated. Most are often scared to approach an independent and strong willed woman and she looks like just that type of person. I think to myself, hoping that maybe one day in the future, I will be that successful business woman being looked on in the same way. I then look to the right of her and see a scruffy, ripped pants wearing, one show walking, drunken middle aged man walking in her direction. She seems slightly on edge as she see’s him coming towards her. With every step he makes closer and closer, the tighter her grip becomes on her briefcase. I suppose appearance really does play a major part in first impressions. In all her suspicions and uncertainties of his character, the man sits down next to her with great decorum. He seems distraught and very sad, yet still and keeps to himself.

I can’t help but wonder what got him into the state he is in now…
Did he let the “downs” in life get the better of him…?

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Put On Hold : Momentary Pause

•February 13, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Dreams put on hold because the society we live in feels that he has surpassed an age worth being useful. Apparently he will not be able to cope with the hours, which I find hard to believe considering he did more hours than most. So basically the theory they have is – Out with the old and in with the new. So much for equal opportunity. You would think that giving away 15 years of your life to a company would at least give you back something in return for your dedication.

“…you may have been grieving for what you did not do or what you believed you would no longer experience. Just for today, embrace grief as a process of preparation, know that you are preparing yourself to be opened and to receive something more.”

chillin

When you are young, the dreams that ferment within are endless. Everything is possible and there is no such thing as failure. Just growing and learning. If something doesn’t go their way, it isn’t seen as a form of failure but a process of learning to adapt for the better. Even today, no matter what age, life would be better if seen in younger eyes. Rather than looking back in regret. So no matter what happens I will still do all the things I wanted to do, even if they maybe put on hold for a short or even long while.

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A Fairytale Story : Soulmates?

•January 4, 2009 • 1 Comment

Watching one of my favorite films yesterday made me think about Soulmates. If there really is one for someone out there, what happens if they never find them? Do they stay unhappy and unfulfilled for the rest of their lives? Rossetti seems to think so. There is numerous meanings, however all have similarities to one another. I feel that I have found my soulmate, who I love dearly and nothing would ever change that. However, due to circumstances we choose to be friends. Is this a possibility we can take? Or would the emotional ties be so strong that it would get in the way of being “just friends”. It is hard but it seems the right thing to do. Now just isn’t the right time for us to be anything but that and we know this.
chillin
Continue reading ‘A Fairytale Story : Soulmates?’